You Won't....

I can't help but talk about the other amazing experiences I've had with people in my life beyond those I've dated. I'm dedicating this section to my friend Dawn, who taught me at the very ripe age of 18 to laugh constantly and not take life so seriously. Having been friends with her for about 10 years now we have countless memories under our belts, but there are two in particular that I will always find pure happiness in solely because of their absolute ridiculousness. The first one involving Miami, Tommy Lee, Range Rovers, and Burger King.

Seeing that our birthdays are 24 hours apart, we try every year to celebrate together. About 4 years ago Miami became our destination of choice. It was convenient, we could drive there, we knew the area, and who doesn't want a little bit of SoBe mayhem? Little did we know, we booked our weekend during the Ultra Music Festival. Which is basically code for massive parties, amazing DJs (but seriously how much of the fist pumping music can one handle in a 4 hour time frame let alone a whole week? Oh right, drugs, yeah none of that for us), and half naked baked crisp pumped up women on the arms of chain wearing tight t-shirt spiked haired men. I'm being harsh, that's only about 75% of the population.

Our night began at one of the hotspots on Collins Street, we made sure we went early enough to get in (hahahaha) and were probably one of the first 20 people there. After hours of spilled martinis (apologies Dawn, I'm not good with those martini glasses they're not very functional), a supposed renown plastic surgeon from France giving bad albeit free consultations, and Dawn yelling at a guy that he looks like Brad Pitt while giving the one eyebrow hey you wanna look, we decided to call it a night. Standing outside lighting our cigarettes before trying to figure out how we're going to get back to the hotel we hear, "Hey! You were the girls inside with Tommy right?" I'm not understanding, "Who? Tommy? No, do I know you?" Amazed that I have no idea who Tommy is he continues, "Tommy Lee!!" No my friend, we were not with Tommy Lee inside, in fact I may still be able to fit into my very first training bra so I sincerely doubt my twins would have kept his attention for more then 5 minutes. Flattered nonetheless, they invite us to go to another party, we say yes, and hop into their car with about 8 other people.

The next destination was an even hotter hot spot (even my gag reflex is in full effect for writing the word 'hotspot' let alone saying it). I'm going to be honest, at this point I may have been a teeny bit tipsy and my feet hurt and I was a little oblivious to my surroundings as per usual. I can't decide If I think that I'm too cool to look around while playing the whole 'no big deal I'm coy game,' or if I really am that oblivious and just don't care. Either way we left about an hour later and that's when we realized we were at Puff Daddy's aka Sean Combs aka Puffy aka Puff aka P. Diddy aka Sean John's private party at a private club. I really just wanted to take my shoes off and be one with the sidewalk. So I did, take my shoes off in dirty south beach and then continued to walk into a dirty dive bar, barefoot, atop broken glass (it's okay my feet were like leather, couldn't feel a thing- I may or may not be disgusted with myself and lack of shoes). The rest of the night/ early morning/ next day went like this: Headed to the boys' condo that was like entering a top secret experimental laboratory, you had to have a key to get to each floor. I have enough trouble remembering my own keys and if I get locked out I can at least utilize the credit card (well Dawn could, she's a bit of an expert). Had a completely G- Rated evening except for that my left breast may have been grazed in passing, slept at their place instead of taking a taxi all the way back to the hotel, and woke up with full make up and the same outfit on with one eye open and ready to conquer the day (the other eye was kind of stuck, it was a mixture of eye gunk and mascara). Instead of letting us take a cab they did what any logical man would do. Then handed us, whom they barely know mind you, the keys to their brand new $80,000 car because that's normal behavior. After being questioned by the resident valet on whether or not we were authorized users of the car, then stared at and questioned by the residents about what fabulous party we were going to at 11AM because we were STILL dressed in our outfits from the night before, we quietly crawled into the car and sped off. Oh we took our sweet time with the windows down and music blasting. Had a little Burger King for breakfast, snooped through the car (obviously), and swore that we were probably being voice recorded because this particular model of vehicle actually had a recording device. About an hour later the boys started getting worried and called for our whereabouts. Needless to say that was the last we heard from Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumber. At least I had a "You won't..." moment that weekend. Let's just say I got Dawn to dance on top of the bar of a non bar dancing lounge the next night while the bartender threw napkins around her and may have involved a flashlight moonlighting as a makeshift spotlight. Hee hee, classic. You won't........